Step on a crack or…

My mother hates me    she always has.

Her alcoholism took us to Hell and back. I am free now.

She lives there 24/7 on a secured unit with locked doors and windows.

Wernicke – Korsakoff is alcoholics dementia.

My mother lives with Wernicke – Korsakoff

If you can call it living.

My sister calls from England, “Well, live by the liquid diet, die by the liquid diet ehh?”

I laugh out loud until my ribs hurt.

When you grow up with alcoholics you quickly develop at dark sense of humor.

It’s the only humor that makes any kind of sense.

My sister and I; we come by ours honestly.

Our dark humor saved our lives.

Our mother sure as hell did not.

~ by Step On a Crack on July 31, 2011.

24 Responses to “Step on a crack or…”

  1. I’m in! I’m emotional! … i’ll be back … i’ve got to do some work … 🙂

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  2. go Jen go

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  3. I know a soul, who is my mate, she’s a she, and she seems like me.
    I trust her … she says my secrets can set me free and the truth won’t be such a bitter pill.
    When I was a baby I cried and cried and cried.
    My mom wouldn’t come. She was sad, poor she … she was depressed, she was post partum drunk.
    My dad was mad, “why can’t you pick her up … my mother can’t be her mother too.”
    My brother had my grandmother, but i’m no boy, i’m not worth the time
    No one’s home now.
    I guess I’m nothing . I don’t remember the “beginning” … but my dearest mommie told me …“I couldn’t pick you up … you were so cute … I never wanted to get married … oh, I love you … you’re a guttersnipe … how was school … don’t come home from school … why don’t you have any friends … why do you keep coming back?
    I didn’t want to keep coming back …
    WHO IS SHE? And so … who am I?
    I’m someone, I’m me. Can I be, please?
    i still feel a cold slap in the face, a voice in my head saying, “you’re nothing, selfish, vain” verbatim
    When she’s gone … will the voice go with her? Will she say to me on her deathbed … i DID hate you — i wanted you to go first. You were right all along, guttersnipe, … but what would that have said about ME ME ME?

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    • MEL! Miss Mel!
      You are a Poet! I love this and it resonates. The big question: Will the voice go with them or not?
      Only time will tell OR maybe we can exorcise that voice here and now. IIt has been a long, tortured road. It seems never ending. I am holding hope for you and I both that the anger
      will subside: not mine or yours; but theirs. I aint gonna count my chickens before they hatch (Is that called Hope? The thing with Wings? Hope seems a luxury..)
      We made it this far Think on that. Who would have guessed we would have made it this far?
      We are made of some tough (and soft squishy) stuff.
      I used to think: Victim.
      Now I say: Survivor.
      I think we need a color and some Big walk-a-thon.
      Did you survive your mother?
      Yes. Fuck yes, we did.

      xxx

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  4. GO GIRL! We need a “MARCH ON MOMS HEADS PARADE”. Hey, set in Yorkshire … nothing but cobblestones and cracks. Yep, a flag/banner/color … CONFETTI. I HAVE survived the woman. SHE is not happy that she hasn’t destroyed me. I know this, Jen. She is miserable when i visit her, but goes on and on and on about how talented Don is (he hung pictures in May, last). Hell, it wouldn’t matter if the Boston Strangler showed up … she’d go on and on and on about how talented he was. He was no guttersnipe … or “used goods” … or a drunk … only a murdering rapist … plus he didn’t keep coming into my house and bugging me.

    I think i can exorcise some shit here. I like the semi-poet thingy i tried. I’m no poet … but somehow difficult issues are easier to mess with in a different format.

    My mom is strong. She has already found people to hate at Bickford and she tells me all about it. My dear dad wrote me an email about all the things there are to do … he could do something different every day, etc.

    The Saint and the Serpent. Opposites attract?

    xoxox

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  5. I’m back! She’s still here! … not me/she … she she … she lives. Her birthday card was reminiscent of her overwhelming guilt … for what mom? what do you have to be guilty for? everone thinks you’re SO NICE … what could you be guilty about? SPIT IT OUT!!! STOP MAKING ME GUESS! I am NOT crazy. The card reads like the quintessential Hallmark declaration of “REAL” love … you are SO GENEROUS … my mother underlines GENEROUS … a GIFT … my mother underlines GIFT … TALENTED … she underlines talented … BUT, remember Sally DOE … well she’s married and she’s got 10 kids, and they’re all supermodels … and OH melissa, you’re slightly less than average … i mean A GIFT!!! to be continued ….

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    • My Mel!!! I will be writing that letter my friend, in the mean time I want to pass on something I learned from Heidi who has the blog Good Life. Heidi posted a few days ago about how to deal with the Angry Ones in a great post titled “Angry Black Birds 3: Black Bomb Birds”. I was reminded of the need to just IGNORE the abuse and remove yourself from the situation. I will be visiting Mommy soon and Heidi’s post came just in time! Even though my mom is now non-verbal, she can still dole out the abuse: glares, and sneers abound. Reading Heidi’s post I am reminded, “You didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it.” Easier said than done BUT a good reminder. I think that will be my new mantra when I am with my mother. YOU are an amazing woman and you always have been. I just posted to Andea that we are Survivors and it is true. Hold on to that Sister. I feel sorry for your Angry Black Bomb mother; she can not see you and she never has. She is missing out BIG time! I am a lucky woman…I SEE YOU!! Love to you Sweet Mel….

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  6. Does Mel have a blog? I would like to visit it.

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    • Not yet, but I am working on it! She is one of my oldest friends (well, my oldest friend is Trudy who is 96. Mel and I have been friends since I was 17) Mel is an incredible woman with an Heart of Gold and a Wicked Smart Brain. She is one of my living heros on many levels. Her blog would be a real healing place. I hope she does it! (hint hint Ms. Mel!)

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    • YES! She did it! look at sheisnotme@wordpress.com. My Mel is one of the strongest, most heart filled Survivors I have ever known.

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    • Heidi! Mel has started a blog! (thanks to you!)

      I believe it is sheisnotme.wordpress something like that. I have subscribed and she is working the bugs out… I am grateful to you for SO many things and in SO many ways.

      Peace to you! Jen

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  7. I’m getting there … yet, once again … i am concerned about “owning” my past. Putting my name on it. The good news is that my writing is all “recollection”. Not true … what i mean is, as much as it (my mother/past) 😉 does affect me … i am not injured as much by the torment of being reminded that i WAS nothing. I am, after 51 years, OWNING ME! I’m finally saying, I LIVE … not SHE lives. Still, she does live … but she is old and crippled (still bitter and mean in a sweet tone). She still talks about vomit. This means, my struggle with bulimia will never rest with her. IT IS HER SURE WAY TO DRAG ME DOWN … to SPIT ME OUT! To piss me off … and apparently it does! It nearly killed me in all ways possible. Physically, emotionally, it took over my soul … and at an older age, i have shed the worst of it … the worst of HER … the sickness is a bad dream … a nightmare that lasted (or hid close behind me in a closet) for a lifetime. How did i come out of it? Why? Why did i want to live? I don’t know … but i’m glad i am doing it … and i want to continue to grow. I WANT to thrive … i’m still shy.

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  8. I did it … it’s sort of a weird start … i didn’t start off with a scintelating topic … just a description of what i want to talk about … maybe i’ll just past some of our email discussion into the body … Bloggers see me and HELP me at sheisnotme.wordpress.com I think? Love melissa

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  9. I don’t know what happened! I wrote this long intro, and now there’s nothing … AND i can’t log into my account. Maybe that’s a sign! It’s not working, or saving, etc.

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    • Well , how about start over OR send me the info you need to open the blog by email, and I will set it up with my computer genius family? An idea. Don’t give up. I tell you, this is a healing thing to do. I did NOT expect that!

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  10. Hi gurl … i know we’re going on and on about this … and i think either wordpress or your genius family hooked me up … ok … so now i’m going to change the name of the damn thing … to WHAT? don’t know … keep on connecting … 🙂

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    • Hey there!

      This is a biggee. If this is about YOU and your marvelous self and your VICTORY over her then the title needs to reflect that

      I love she is not me. You could add a tag line. Like: I Am Myself!

      Or

      Below it

      My journey towards wholeness

      Something like that.

      One thing I did NOT do is do a wordpress search: there are other blogs with my name. Damn! So it is worth the time to search for Sheisnotme. Thoughts. Quick ones on the way to begin my Mom day!

      Love love love. Jen

      “Poetry is just the evidence of life. If your life is burning well, poetry is just the ash. ”

      – Leonard Cohen

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  11. You rock, mom, and you’re a ROCK MOM! totally, fur shur …

    Incidentally, i think there’s a bunch of she is not me stuff out there … like a song by madonna or lady gaga … or was that a story about gaga trying to immitate madonna … like a give 2 sh***! Anyway … me, i’m off to the dentist … HEY more self care so THERE MOM! It is not a crime to take care of oneself … just sayin’ .. love you !!!

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  12. Man, i better work on sheisnotme … apparently we’re linked, and i’m writing totally on your baby! it’s a good baby indeed! more love, mel

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  13. I’m in and i think we’re connected … well i know we’re connected, but i mean shesnotme is rocking (a little) … not too poetic … but i had to get the ball rolling. See what i can see. CONNECT with others who are healing and building and learning … and goofing. It’s all good. love, mel

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