A Gift of Perspective and Grace…

There is Faith and Grace and Fate. They work in my life every moment. There is also  PTSD and paranoia and they manage to work their way in too. The challenge is to listen to my God and sort our the Weird and Destructive from the Wisdom and Reality.

Today I needed to go to the Y. I needed my Sauna Club and really need to work my hip after a hip replacement. I was headed to the Y and I KNEW that I needed to actually stop at the coffee shop that my friends frequent.

I knew it was meant to be because I could find parking at 8:30 in the morning, usually an impossibility.

What was even more impossible was an available table and not long after that a friend.

A casual conversation grew into Amazing Grace.

The conversation meandered for a time; kids, school, the usual. In time…

It meandered into the Truth.

The friend I ran into was a casual friend this morning at 8:30. Tonight at 9:00, I am writing about a Friend of Grace.

We told our truth to one another over hours and one cup of coffee.

She told me in that Grace filled space,

“You were abused and your abuser is dying. You owe yourself space to let her go, not when she dies, but now. Today.”

Again with the light. The later afternoon sun was warm on my neck. I could feel the sun and I could hear Truth.

“ Forgiveness for her?  How about for you? What do you need for you?”

I could only listen.

“ Let me ask you this; would you EVER leave your mother alone with your son? Ever?”

No. I never left my mother alone with my son. I NEVER left my son alone with my mother.

I need forgiveness all right. I need to forgive myself for the guilt I feel. I feel guilty for being born.

Grace descended today. I was given a Gift; a gift of Perspective and Grace. I need to think on this in a prayerful way.

I need to say Thank You to my Amazing Grace Friend.

The coffin will wait for now. I got some thinking to do.

©

~ by Step On a Crack on October 6, 2011.

11 Responses to “A Gift of Perspective and Grace…”

  1. Wise words from one wise woman to another. Grace descended, grace extended. Grace received? I pray that you’ll gift yourself that gift the One who loves you always, always gives.

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    • You are right, as usual and right on the mark. Grace it seems, moves in my life in mysterious ways. I know I need to forgive my self and my mother AND I know that ultimate forgiveness is not mine to give but will come from on high. I just need to be open to seeing it in my life. thank you for the works to hold… xxx Jen

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  2. What a lovely thing when a conversation becomes amazing grace. Surely God is watchful and caring of your every moment. What love he has for his children!

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  3. YES!!! Beautiful! Great advice from your friend as well. Still, beware … forgiveness (and you know i know about this) will not be “forced”. You can’t MAKE YOURSELF forgive … and yet … you cannot let your anger eat you alive.

    Here’s why: You are fabulous, talented, vivacious, full of love, spirit, humanity … you have ALL this and more to SHARE freely … AND … you do not deserve what your mother did to you in the past, and CERTAINLY you do not deserve the torment of her circumstance now!

    Thank god she gave birth to YOU … this WONDERFUL, STRONG, HONEST human. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!? What she did from there-on-in SHAME ON HER! You won’t be able to figure it out … she shouldn’t have … SHAME SHAME SHAME on her, and may god have mercy on her soul (when she meets her god).

    That is it for her CREDITS (picture rolling credits in a film) … she gets a little blurb under “transportation” 😉 …

    You are the one who deserves the mercy now … she is NOT you …

    You are kind and caring … a true caregiver … how good are you to be taking care of a woman who is so troubled.

    She’s not talking … she won’t tell her secrets or explain her madness.

    YOU deserve peace. I hope your thoughts are peaceful.

    Love, mel

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    • Once again, Wisdom!

      Mel. Thank God you made it! Really.
      You are right. I can not make this happen any faster than it will. I CAN create space and be aware. That’s it.
      I can write and share and pray.
      Thats it
      By the way, I am grateful for YOUR father! I am grateful for you my dear friend!!

      What you have been through is unforgivable in my book. You give your mom a Pink Slip ( I LOVE that) and you visit her in the home. You seem to be striking a balance of some kind. I know that struggle for balance has been long fought and I am forever grateful you WON!!
      Love!! Jen

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  4. I love witnessing God’s amazing work in our lives. Thank you for keeping up with your story!

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    • I need you here and in your blog ! You remind me always that God is working in my life. Writing this stuff is hard and sometimes the anger overwhelms the desire to forgive anyone for anything! I know that it is a passing thing and I wait it out. I know my God will out. I have that Rock Solid. Sometimes it is just DARN good to be reminded. I am writing this as honestly as I can and sometimes I am just angry. That is the fruit of alcoholism. I am not proud or happy about my anger BUT it needs its due. To ignore it got me no where and letting it out lets God in. Funny how that works. Thank you SO much for being here! xxx Jen

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  5. […] I was given A Gift of Perspective and Grace […]

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  6. To forgive — means to give far away.
    We give our pain up to the farthest possible place — into God’s hands.
    We give our selves up to the farthest possible place — also into His hands.
    And when He forgives US? He places our sins even farther away — where He cannot remember them.
    When we turn to Him . . .

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  7. Jen–I love to read of the healing moments and how The Father has held you close and is taking you toward recovery. This is precious.

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