I am really angry.

I am angry.

I am so angry I don’t know what to do with all my anger.

I know I am angry when all I want to do is cry all day.

I know I am angry when I find myself counting the steps to the Sauna and adding it to the number on my locker (It was 18 today; an even number and still unsettling today. What is up with that? Even numbers usually calm me down) and then adding the steps back to my car.

I am angry because of the past and the future and the present.

I am angry because I could not keep my son safe from PTSD.

The moment suicide torched our family, all bets were off. We were all a mess.

A mess on top of a mess;

On top of a mess.

Yesterday I posted a random  bit about my mother and her cats. I was holding back and I am angry at myself for doing that; for wasting time.

This is what I want to say:

My mother let the dogs shit all over the house my entire life.

The dogs shit all over the house and we had to walk around it or pick it up ourselves.

There.

I grew up in dog shit, literally.

I said it.

My mother was an alcoholic her entire life.

That is what I want to say.

I am really fucking  angry.

~ by Step On a Crack on November 9, 2011.

24 Responses to “I am really angry.”

  1. Good for you, be angry, own it!!! I wish that I was half as strong as you. Your strength will carry you through.

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  2. It’s healthy to allow your anger to be expressed and you do it through writing. Good for you and so well written.

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  3. YAY! We promised to be honest. Let it rip!

    I know the rage, love! Why am i peaceful and then MANIACAL?

    Mothers can twist your world.

    IT ALL MATTERS … some peace (if it ever happens for you) … some “step-back” moments.

    THEN THE RAGE OF AGES!!!! I KNOW IT!!!!

    PLEASE always right from your heart. YOU ARE A BEAUTIFUL, TALENTED WRITER regardless if you are telling a story … or if you are releasing your Truths!!

    mel

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  4. Vent it, externalize it, get it outside of you and wrap it in words because words have a magic power. Words limit negative emotions by letting us see their sources and boundaries and helping us realize how small the negativity truly is. Building a box of words around anger and hatred doesn’t eliminate the emotion but makes it easier to carry.

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    • Dear Al, You totally get it. That makes sense to me. I see you using the old alphabet to very good advantage in your blogs. I love the image of a box of words carrying my anger, well, Rage, really. I BIG box of Words. I am going to start visualizing my Word Box of Rage; contain, yet access it. Thank you, Fellow Traveler. xx Jen

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  5. Ouch.
    What is going on when people who never drank act this way? Some do. It’s awful, too, I know.

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  6. Jen, how you have broken that circle and have not become your mother is a miracle and gift. I know it has been intentional on your part and work. It doesn’t negate the anger. No, it cannot. But you anger has not defined you. That is strength! Keep moving forward, even through the pain.

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    • ok. wow. thank you SO much for validating my feelings and their place in my world. I feel SO guilty for being angry. I deeply appreciate you pointing out that I don’t let it define me and I have broken a vicious circle. I need to remember that when the anger comes. I think of you and Debbie and Heidi and Kathy and Forgiveness: I want so badly to forgive my mom. I think first I need to put it ALL out there and it is just not pretty. I will move forward. I adore you thank you!! Jen

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  7. I would be SO worried about you if you weren’t saying you’re angry. I’m glad you are able to get it out and also think it’s important to talk about the tangibles like living in a kennel. I’m so sorry for what you’ve lived with, and I’m really glad that you can be vulnerable here. Keep it up!

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    • Dear Heidi! You are such a Wonderful Soul! I am blessed to have you here and in my life. I feel validated AND vulnerable. I do not think i have EVER felt both at the same time in such a tangible way. You are an Angel. I am NOT kidding. Love Jen

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    • Heidi I have a tech question: my blogroll has vanished. do you know why this would happen or how to post a blogroll? (It took me days to figure it out the first time…)

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  8. I think you are awesome.

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    • Tracie, Oh my goodness! Thank you for such kind words! Tell me about you… Please…. Peace, Jen

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      • Oh. I did not expect this. Me? Well, I feel like a broken person. I am the daughter,granddaughter, sister, aunt, and friend of alcoholics and drug addicts. My life has always been hard but I survived and I continued to survive. Now I am 6 months into knowing that I am also the mother of an alcoholic.

        This may prove to be my undoing.

        I don’t know how, but I found you on a day when I really needed to find a place where it seemed like I fit.

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      • Dear Tracie. Your message breaks my heart. I am SO sorry to hear about your Kid. THAT right there is one of my worse fears and the odds are SO stacked against my kid where genetics are concerned. YOU have been through Hell.

        I want to say It COULD be your undoing BUT it does not have to be. You know you are a survivor and you KNOW you can survive Hard Life. My heart is JUST honestly breaking for you AND I encourage you to go to an Alanon meeting to find others who are in your boat. Alanon has saved me. Really. I will reply again with an amazing blog for Adult Children of Alcoholics. It is a great resource on line for figuring out What To do and how to just cope.

        I am in awe of how this blog thingy thing works. YOU are here and I am here and so many others are HERE in Blog land who are in the same boat. YOU are Here and I am deeply grateful for your presence. I think things happen not accidents just Happenings. You are here and I am here. That is not an accident. I wish you Peace as you walk this hard path. PLEASE come back and share your journey. I have been really amazed at how healing this Blog Land is. Please come back and KNOW you are NOT alone. Peace, Jen

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      • Thank you Jen, Heidi,Katharine for your loving concern. I have been going to ALanon for ~ 3 months. With only a few minutes left I “shared” last night for the first time. Afterwards I wanted to throw up. I am learning things I never wanted to know but am beginning to accept. I find I am especially drawn to the other mothers in the group. Although many have been coming for years and seem as RAW today as I feel, they tell me it gets better. In my mind I think “seriously?” but in my heart I hope so. Jen, I am grateful for you and your blog and I am thinking of you a lot. I am so very tired but I promise I will keep trying. Love, Tracie

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      • Tracie I think it is called the L.I.S.T ACA Group I HIGHLY reccomend the blog. They have been a lifesaver for me. I WISH I knew how to make it just a click a button link BUT I do not. If it doesn’t work and you can’t find it Let me know. I will figure it out. Peace, Jen

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      • To send a link that works:
        1. Go exactly where you wish the link to take the person to. I know, bad grammar, but clearer, maybe?
        2. Click once on the window that tells you where you are (has the big blue “e” in it) That should highlight that address, make the window look all blue.
        3. With one finger, press the CTRL key on your keyboard, with another, at the same time, press the letter “c” button.(This means “copy”.) It will seem like nothing happened.
        4. Go to your blog and begin a post or reply. You need the cursor blinking in the comment or reply space.
        5. with one finger, press the CTRL key on your keyboard, with another, at the same time, press the letter “v” button. (This means “insert”.) You will get a nice surprise. 🙂

        Well, if you have a Mac, I think you need someone else to help you. 😐

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  9. 😦
    Hey, maybe you wouldn’t be such an amazing writer if anything was different in the past. Hugs 🙂

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    • Dear Scott,

      OK. I gotta tell you, I was out for Blood today; the Rage just boiling over and then I see your comment and BAMMO: Insight. I can not tell you how much your words mean to me. You, my friend, are a WordSmith and I take your compliment to Heart. You can Write, Man. I admire your stuff greatly. You are seeing a Gift in a Gift and I am going to sit here with your words and linger, linger, linger…

      Rage can hold for now… Thank you. Truly. Peace, Jen

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  10. Tracie–There is a supportive flock of us who follow Jen’s blog. Welcome! She’s right. Find an Alanon group. Drop everything until you do! Please find one. Keep trying until you get one that is ‘home’ for you. The wisdom there is so uncommon that you will shake your head, wondering if they could be telling you the truth–they are. Get some of their literature and start learning how to take care of yourself, which ironically is about ALL you can do to help your son. Truth is freedom. Find your group.

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