Terms of Endearment

On November 30th, 2011 my mother died.

On the post announcing her death I signed out:

Peace,  Jon

That was no typo.

My mother wanted 6 boys.

She had only girls.

She was going to name me John.

She called me John all my life.

I changed the spelling to Jon in an attempt to make the name an endearment.

I did that for myself.

That was not a typo.

That was not grief talking.

Or maybe it was.

Jen

~ by Step On a Crack on December 4, 2011.

8 Responses to “Terms of Endearment”

  1. What pain and rejection you suffered. My heart just breaks at the thought. How difficult it must be to grab life and run with it, when your entire identity is tangled.

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  2. May God be with you through this. My blogging friend.

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  3. I wondered when I saw it but actually thought it was as you meant it. Families have so many nicknames, for better or worse. Jen, as I’ve said before, it’s hard to love others when you can’t love yourself and I’m certain you mother couldn’t love herself. You are a brave soul to break that cycle. And you have. Against the statistics, you have not become your mother. I hope that doesn’t sound harsh. I know how most of us suddenly turn rosy our memories when one passes. You are all about truth and have been and continue to be. That’s what helps others. That is what has helped you. I am thankful for the Truth found in my God because that’s where I also find peace. Continually thinking of you. xo

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  4. I am so sorry for all you’ve been through. Rejection and disregard for your unique self is hard to read about, but does explain why you’re so adamant that you were not loved for yourself. You weren’t.

    Of course, intellectually, you know it has nothing to do with your worth, but emotionally, it affects you, anyway. Can’t help but…

    I have heard that our greatest source of pain will become our greatest source of courage and the source from which we might encourage others. I know that’s no consolation now, but I hope you hang on. God loves you and so do we.

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  5. I can’t think of anything wise to say… I am your friend, for whatever that is worth. Love, mel

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  6. i hope it works and you can make a term of endearment from it. Alls i can say is that you’re pretty damn endearing as it is!

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  7. Dear Jonny, you are a most amazing and lovely person. You have shared your love and strength so we can all feel stronger for having known you and your story. I feel honoured to have been able to be with you through this incredibly hard but loving journey you’ve been on.

    Love and a huge hug for you from my part of South Australia!

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