100 Fucking Percent Forgiveness

This is what I am doing:

Second guessing everything I lived through with my mom after my father died.;

Wondering if I made the right choices while caring for her;

realizing I should have ‘Put her in the Home’ long before I did.

I was a coward. I was afraid of losing any hope of her Acceptance and Love.

I moved my mother from Iowa after my father died.

Iowa Winter’s are unforgiving;

It turns out, Me, not so much.

I was able to tell my mother

On her death-bed,

“I forgive you.”

and I meant it.

Not just 1% in that moment, but 100%.

100% fucking percent forgiveness

in that  One Moment. 

Grace descended

And

I seized the moment

Before it passed;

which it did. 

The moment of Forgiveness is forever on my mind and on my Heart.

I know that moment was on my mother’s mind and in her Heart too.

I will carry that One Moment forever.

Iowa Winters are unforgiving;

Me,

Not so much.

Peace,  Jen

I am dealing with the fallout. There is Mighty Fallout and it is not pretty.

Like I am surprised.

Thank you for all of your support. I am, once again, making my way back Home.

This old road from Hell is getting shorter and shorter….

Peace, again in pieces,

Jen

~ by Step On a Crack on December 9, 2011.

22 Responses to “100 Fucking Percent Forgiveness”

  1. Forgiveness is the best gift of all, you could not have done a better thing for your mother, and for that matter, yourself!

    Like

    • Hello there! thank you for stopping by AND for your wisdom. I am grateful it fell the way it did. The aftermath is not quite so tied up, BUT I was able to give my mom and you are right, myself, something we both needed that day. Thank you! Peace, Jen

      Like

  2. Goddess of strength. Goddess of Truth. I salute you, and i love you! When i read your words i get strength to be honest. Love, mel

    P.S. I understand moment to moment, love. It is that way. I’m searching for a little more peace, even day to day forgiveness (in truth) … we are on the path.

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    • Salute coming right back at you Sister! Grief. We are in the same boat AGAIN; only this time this boat will not sink and we have Love and community and support. Weird how the world turns ehh?

      We ARE on a path. Love Jen

      Like

  3. My dear friend, may God be with you on your journey back. I believe the gift of forgiveness you gave your mother is a gift unmatched. You are an inspiration.

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  4. I am so glad you’ve been able to find that one precious moment of forgiveness for your mother. You did so much, suffered so much, deserve so much.
    May you forgive yourself and accept the things that must be accepted for you to find peace.

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    • Oh my… thank you Sweet Woman. I am beginning to feel guilty because the moment of forgiveness was only a moment. I need to remember that the moment came while I KNOW my mom was with me and could be present enough to let it sink in. The rest that happened after is only after. The AFTER stuff is also valid and is still brewing on the page BUT the one moment will linger forever.

      I adore you. thank you… xxx Jen

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  5. Fallout is never easy to handle, but I hope that one moment of grace gives you a huge amount of mileage! I’m so happy you felt that grace, even if just for a moment. Sometimes that’s what we get: a crumb, but it is enough to keep us sustained while we do the hard work of doing the Work. Not easy, but what it is we need to learn while we are here.

    Here’s to a little more grace and peace for you, to have grace and be at peace with yourself, to have grace and peace in and through the fallout.

    Best & lots of love,
    Mrs D

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    • Dear Mrs. D,

      You are so right! IF I choose to focus on that one moment then the fallout would be easier to handle. Thank you.

      Really, it is one of the things that means the most to me in my entire life. I should give that space to sink in.

      Thank you for being here, for your support and for your sense of humor and your heart!

      xxx Jen

      Like

  6. What a beautiful post…It even made me “guy cry”.

    You’re going to destroy my badass reputation with all your beautiful writing, damn you!

    Like

  7. Whew! That was BIG! A moment that would never return and you just grabbed it full on and swung with it! Like a home run against the power of evil, it was!

    I don’t think you’ll ever regret forgiveness. As has been said, it’s a gift to yourself, big time! It is grace beyond measure that you could do that before she left you. I’m so glad for both of you.

    The battle isn’t over, but you’re courageous, for sure.

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  8. That is a beautiful post.

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  9. Beautiful! Thank you for sharing your heart!

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  10. […] I hope that when my mothers time comes I will be there by her side with only love in my heart. […]

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  11. […] I found much more than that the day she died; […]

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  12. […] 100 Fucking Percent Forgiveness […]

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  13. This is a heartfelt poem. Thank you very much. The timing couldn’t be better. It resonates very well with me at this time of the year.

    Thank you again, many blessings and much love to you. 🙂

    Subhan Zein

    Like

  14. […] Forgiveness. […]

    Like

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