A Refund Will be Sent in 90 Days…

I received flowers from the Gypsy Queen a week ago.

With them came a card, “You did the right things for your mother and you made difficult choices.

She must be very proud of you from where she sits now.”

They were  gorgeous flowers: white lilies and white roses.

The flowers began to wilt and I have the rose petals drying now.

I received flowers from Great Grandma Julie, my husbands grandmother.

Another elegant bouquet with a card and beautiful sentiments.

I received flowers from my neighbor Monique and her husband Matt

along with a container of warm, delicious homemade soup.

I have been taken care of by my friends;

meal after meal my family has found comfort..

My friends who are far,  are not far as the email contact

is a long distance hug.

My  Tribesman, David, far away , and I are exchanging texts about the pain.

The Tribal fires are raging and the Drums are sounding.

I have received words of Love and encouragement and support here in the blogosphere thingy.

I have been deeply touched by the  kindness of strangers

and the depth of your understanding.

I have been comforted. My family has been cared for.

My mother?

My mother.

Andrea and Phil and I grieve. Our families are in pain.

My son and my niece and nephew feel her absence

though Mommy Kay has been absent for so long already.

I have heard from a few distant relatives who have said kind words about my mother;

each  about something far, far away and a long time ago.

I have had a connection with a family member far away in both years and distance

in a very meaningful way,  Slowly, we are connecting.

My mother had a small clan. My mother had zero friends.

My mother seems forgotten.

I am cared for deeply and I am amazed and touched beyond belief

by the outpouring of kindness and compassion shown by my friends, neighbors and by you.

My grief has space to roam.

And my mother is forgotten.

Mommy was a loner. She always was.

And that is how she died.

There will be no ‘funeral’.

I do not have to watch the debacle of a drunken wake.

I do  not need to sit aside and watch vodka tonic after vodka tonic go

down, down,  down.

And let’s be real here; there is no tonic.

There never was.

Vodka straight up.

 Lets just be clear here.

I am drying all the petals from all the flowers I have received.

I am going to keep them in a strange old jar

and place them with my families collection of important things:

Dirt from the farm.

Ashes from our sons first camp fire

on his first camping trip.

Jars filled with sand from the beach in England

where our Ella Bee was Christened

and a jar of soil from a magical cottage in Connecticut.

Jars filled with Land that means something.

The petals belong there with our family history.

I only wish there had been flowers sent from someone,


who loved my mother,

not me.

Maybe if there were, her life would have been different.

Mommy deserved more than a card from Hospice

and the social workers I worked with over the years.

 She deserved more than a card from medicare;

 “Condolences on your loss.

a refund will be sent in 90 days if an overpayment

…is discovered.”

I am feeling unbelievably loved

and terribly sad.

My mother lived a life cut off from others.

She did die alone. She did.

I am deeply sad that my mother chose the path she did.

And I wonder;

Did she choose,

or did the path choose her?

In Peace and Gratitude, Jen

~ by Step On a Crack on December 23, 2011.

12 Responses to “A Refund Will be Sent in 90 Days…”

  1. Tears before porridge.
    You help me remember the pain is there. Here. It is easy to forget. 2 year old sparkle reminding me what is important. Heres to us having people who loves us around us until the end. To choose a different path than Mommy’s. A path of love, friendship and joy. To OUR solidarity never wavering. LOVE YOU!


  2. that is a very interesting question to ponder. Om Shantihi, peace be with you


  3. I am sorry that you never had a mother that could nurture you, comfort you or know you…. so sorry. The pain you’ve experienced is so raw, so present.

    More to pray about. I thank God that you’ve chosen a different path. Very rare. You must be such a blessing to your son and your friends even in the pain that pulls you back, you surge ahead.


  4. This is so beautiful. Your mom may have seen your glow and how special you are (and were). Mothers who are loners, or wish to be are not “good” or maybe mot meant to be mothers. But they were, and are. As you know, we had the same mother (at soul). My mom wants and wanted to be left alone. Even Dad had to win her over. So, my love, about you! You are loved, and you are cherished, and you did All the Right Things for Your mom. W K took her away … even farther away that her desire to be alone: A loner. Oh honey. I’m so sorry. Love mel


  5. You make my troubles seem so miniscule.
    I have nominated you for The Versatile Blogger Award because I have never read such raw and perfectly expressed emotions as yours.
    Check my blog for specifics and have a very merry christmas!!


  6. I have nominated you for The Kreativ Blogger Award. Information about the award is at growthlines.wordpress.com/2011/12/23/awards. I didn’t think your posts could get any more poignant. I was wrong. This one has a raw beauty.


  7. Your mother did some right things, Jen. She allowed you to be born, giving us this incredible gift of your writing, and although it must now be sad writing, it will not always be so. She and her singular life were the soil that grew you into such an outreaching vine, such a dusting of peace petals over all.
    You may hear that you grew in spite of all she did, but I say she was rare soil for a rare seed.


  8. Did she choose,

    or did the path choose her?

    Such an excellent question. I wonder the same about myself in life. Did I choose my path, or did it choose me? Or some combo of the two. ???

    There are a lot of “whys” when it comes to your mom and one who lived her life the way she did.

    Just as I typed that, I happened to read Katherine’s comment just above mine. WOW. What a beauty of a comment. Ditto on what she writes!!

    “Rare soil for a rare seed.” I love that. Brings a lot of perspective to many things.


  9. This blog is a living remembrance bouquet to your mother, by someone who loved her deeply.

    Each post is a vibrant rose complete with poignant thorns.


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