Surrender Makes the Joy ever Greater.

Broncos: Established 1960 Me: Established 1961

I pulled my self together before my son came home this afternoon.

I became a ‘Regular Sad Mom’

not a ‘Screaming Banshee, Deep Sorrow, Mom’

While I was in the shower,I remembered that the Denver Broncos were playing the Steelers

in the AFC Wild Card playoffs today.

They are playing blocks away at Mile High Stadium

(in our family that is the ONLY way we will EVER refer to that stadium.)

I thought back to my fathers ‘funeral’;

the Broncos were playing … for a shot at the Super Bowl.

We threw together a party at my fathers furniture store,

The Loading Dock, in Iowa City, Iowa.

  We lugged the TV out of the house across town and set it up to watch the game.

We had a keg outside and food scattered here and there throughout the store.

My dad had friends from all walks of life and we tried with short notice

to gather them all.

We huddled around the TV watching the game,

rooting for the Broncos, but really,

rooting for Daddy.

Every year at the beginning of the season we would hear,

“This is the year Girls! This will be it. We are going to the Super Bowl!”

Daddy was an eternal optimist.

The Broncos, God love them, are not a winning team,

but by God, they are OUR team.

Daddy taught us,

“They are YOUR team, Girls. You stand by them.”

He often forgot this on a Sunday afternoon when they had lost 5 games in a row

and were making stupid mistakes in the 3rd quarter when they were finally ahead.

He would yell wild obscenities at the screen.

The dogs would run to the back yard.

We would go about our business knowing that THIS screaming was just for fun.

THIS Sunday screaming was very different from

late night Saturday yelling we feared when he drank.

The Broncos lost the night of Daddy’s funeral and somehow that was OK.

It gave us one less thing to worry about Daddy missing.

I am writing this as I listen to the game…

 Bronocs were ahead 20-6 until a few moments ago.

We do not have regular TV and I am listening to the game on the same laptop I am now writing on.

The Broncos playing in the playoffs just blocks away

on the day my heart came unstrung.

Somehow this is Meant To Be ; the game and the playoffs

and my heart breaking while I keep things “Sad but Regular” for my son.

I hope to God they win.

 I found my self swearing at the last Steelers touchdown.

Our dog, Henry, jumped off the couch and went in the other room.

He hasn’t heard me swear much

and never with the vigor I exhibited a few moments ago.

He has never heard me scream on a Saturday night out of anger Born of the Bottle;

and he never will.

He just heard me scream louder than I have ever screamed in this house!

The Broncos,

Daddy’s Team,

Our Team,

just won against the Steelers in OVERTIME!

This is OUR Year!

Daddy was right,

 this is our year…

My father died 6 years ago on January 10th;

Tuesday.

Tuesday I will be with my family at Patsy’s honoring my fathers passing

and celebrating some Truth:

This IS the Year we go all the way, Girls!

All the Way to the Super Bowl!

You start the day in tears of sorrow and you end the day in tears of JOY!

You just never can tell what blessing is around the corner to make the rough patch smooth.

You can never tell what angel will bless you

with the Surrender you need to make the Joy even greater.

Thank you Debbie.

Thank you.

All the WAY Baby; All the Way!

Daddy, that one was for you; I just KNOW it.

Peace,   Jen

~ by Step On a Crack on January 8, 2012.

17 Responses to “Surrender Makes the Joy ever Greater.”

  1. OK, i read the broncos part first OUCH!!!!!! Reading on.

    YAY BROCOS!!!! YAY FOR DADDY! Oh my sweetie, there are no coincidences. This is a sign of GRACE!!! Debbie and Debby are both angels watching over you. I’m you earth angel 😉 standing by you. I love you and i love your dad!!!! Thank you God, Earth, Mother Nature for Mercy! Love. Mel

    Like

  2. It was a stunning win for the Broncos! Peace to you in your sorrow and your joy. Paulann

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    • I wish I could have SEEN it! I do not know very much about the game so was confused listening on the radio. I do know Touchdown! I do know Overtime and winning a coin toss…. I bet it was a great game to see! xxx Jen

      Like

  3. Go Team, well done! I don’t even know the game, I know love and passion and losing a father though.

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    • Carolyn! I am NOT a football fan (american football we are talking here…) BUT I do love rooting for a team. It helped so much it was weird. It is what it is and I am going to go with the flow. Tomorrow the happiness may evaporate, or a nightmare could take over. BUT now now I am happy-ish.

      XXX Jen

      Like

  4. i agree with your Dad. This is our year!

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  5. Dear Jen –
    You surrendered and you WON! Isn’t that something!
    I think this is definitely your year.
    I would say you’re welcome, but I didn’t do it – you did. I’m just here to cheer you on. 😀
    I’m forever on your team,
    Debbie

    Like

  6. If we’re going to have a team huddle, I’m in!! GO JEN GO!

    Like

  7. It is okay for your son to see you sad. Your sadness, grief is natural and trust me it WILL help him in his grieving process to see you grieve. Put on a happy face when you need to, but allow yourself to be sad also. He will be a better, stronger young man as the years pass if he understands death and grief.

    Hugs
    Judy

    Like

    • Dear Judy,

      You are SO right and I need to give myself more permission to do this. My son has fairly severe PTSD that stems from a family suicide that happened while we were in the house (not our home…)

      I think I tend to over compensate for that when you are right: he needs to see me grieve. The poor kid lost 9 (I think) close people within a year of the suicide. He would also count the class pet that died that year. Death has been on his plate for a VERY long time; 7 years now. Seems we do not go a year with out losing another loved one. We tell him that it is our good fortune to have so many people we love. He is also in therapy when the going gets tough. I wish that he did NOT understand death or grief.

      I wish that for you too my Friend.

      peace and hugs to you too! Jen

      Like

  8. Hello Jen,
    I am pleased to nominate you for the 7 x 7 Link Award. Please check out post > http://wp.me/p1YE83-gH and if you are unable to open this link, go to > http://wp.me/1YE83
    All good wishes, Eric 🙂

    Like

  9. Very moving, it’s amazing the memories sports teams can bring about. I remember my uncle whenever I watch the seminoles play, he was a die hard till the the day he did die.
    Andrea

    Like

  10. Waaaaaaiiiiiiit.

    It’s NOT “Mile High Stadium” anymore?!?!?

    GET OUT. No way. Seriously?!? Good lord!!!! What is the world coming to?

    Oh I miss football. Yeah, I could go and see a game here… in a bar, lol. At about midnight. Ha. Yeah, not gonna happen. I do miss me some Broncos, though.

    GO BRONCOS!!!

    Like

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