Surrender Mode. Thank you Debbie.

I am a mess today and that is a very good thing.

I have been holding things together;

you do that for your Kid.

That is a no-brainer.

My son was with his robotics team today in strategy meetings

 building their competitive robots for the 2012 First Robotics competition.

My son is grieving too.

We all are.

He needs things to be ‘regular’ in his grief.

We are doing our level best to give him that.

 My husband took him to robotics today and I was home in tears.

I need for things to be not so much regular;

I need things to be what they are;

sad,

very,

very sad.

I have been holding things together and that has not been a good thing for me.

I came unstrung early today when I saw Debbie’s blog;

twominutesofgrace.wordpress.com

Debbie is an angel walking on this planet.

Debbie reached out through her blog

in a way that just let my heart go where it needed;

deep into sadness.

Debbie’s post today sent me into

Surrender Mode.

Thank you Debbie for yanking the cork out of my heart and letting it go free today.

I will not forget this lesson, my friend. I am eternally grateful.

Blessings be upon you.

Thank you all for being here, bearing witness

and for wearing your hearts on your sleeves.

Peace,    Jen

Two Minutes of Grace. We all need that. Visit Debbie. Trust me.

~ by Step On a Crack on January 8, 2012.

13 Responses to “Surrender Mode. Thank you Debbie.”

  1. You are loved so. (and surrounded by Debby’s 😉

    Like

  2. May your tears cleanse your heart and mind.

    Like

    • Dear Carolyn,

      Today was a turning point on many levels. The Gifts to be found in this blog land thingy are unbelievable and I am ONE LUCKY WOMAN!!!

      You bless my life. my. what a day; what a day.

      Love, Jen (Poetry? am I not signed up?)

      Like

  3. Agreed my good friend. Deb is an angel and so are you, love, mel

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  4. It makes no sense that falling to the bottom of our pain seems like the way we get to clarity. It seems like a dance between regular and irregular, just like you said. You are brave enough to fall apart. Whether you’re in a regular or irregular spot, I’m glad you feel the care of others around you.

    Like

    • Dear Paulann

      There seems to be no rhyme or reason to this. Therapists warned me about the ‘complicated grief’ I would experience with Mommys death AND warned that the delayed grief of Daddy’s death and the suicide of my father in law who I was very close to, would make this that much harder. The timing is hard too: holidays combined with the anniversaries of both other deaths coming on the heels. Tough.

      I took care of my husband and my son when Ace killed himself (we were there when it happened) I took care of Mommy and her dementia after Daddy died. It IS a tough ride. I honestly wonder how I would handle this if I were not a mother. I really do.

      I checked out your website today. You are a wise and gifted therapist. I wish you were across town. ; )

      Thank you so much for being here.

      Really Really.

      Peace, jen.

      Like

      • “Complicated grief” is such a tidy, self contained phrase. Every time I use it, I realize how little it does to describe the weight, messiness, and span of losing a lot in a short amount of time. Too many losses in a decade makes 10 years seem brief and overwhelming when it comes to adapting, and a lifetime when it comes to enduring.

        You are staying the course, sometimes steering, sometimes letting the current take you where you ultimately need to go. That’s impressive and it creates something of a map for the rest of us to borrow when we find ourselves going down river through the rapids.

        I love watching you steer the boat, and hang on for the ride.

        Traveling mercies through this storm, Paulann

        Like

      • Dear Paulann,

        I wonder that. When my therapist or Hospice says things like “complicated grief” or “delayed grief” do they really know what that MEANS? I understand now why my therapist warned me about my moms death 6 years ago. BUT does she really GET IT? I was warned also about layering ‘delayed grief’ on ‘delayed grief’ knowing that ‘complicated grief’ was on the way. Words. all words. What was I supposed to DO with the Words? confusing BUT it has helped 100% to understand NOW why I am struggling so mightily with this death. That does help.

        And here is a question for you: how does a Mom take care to avoid delayed grief when your child is also suffering? The Prime Directive kicks in: Take Care of Your Boy. That is what I did and I do not regret it one bit. He is better off for it. THAT is breaking the cycle and that counts.

        I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you stop by and offer words of support and wisdom; it means the world

        Thank you Paulann!

        XO Jen

        Like

  5. i like the image of fighting robots! Sometimes i need to be a fighting robot with a soul to get through the day!

    Like

    • Robots. Yep. I could use a robot/Spock type switch about now. No self medication! None!

      That robot soul switch would be nice.

      Oh oh. Sounding like a meeting should appear in my future.

      Yikes!

      Check out First Robotics. It is VERY cool! I want to design and build these things!

      Like

  6. Still here. Still praying. Just saying.

    You’re OK. Really, you’re supposed to fall apart. I like the concept of regular spots and irregular ones.

    Like

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