I Need a Grief Sponsor…

I am angry.

I am very angry.

‘Working the Steps’ never looked like this;

The The Five Stages of Grief

developed by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross are  not unfamiliar to me.

I helped my Husband find his way through them after his father’s suicide.

I  helped my son find his way through them after Every single death.

I helped my friend Marcie through them after her husband Tom died;

and

I helped my mother through them after the death of my father.

and on and on and on.

“It is OK. Of course you are angry. Let it be for now.”

I would say.

I have NEVER helped myself through the Stages of Grief.

Never.

Delayed Grief hits hard.

A therapist cannot do this for me.

I am angry. I am very angry.

I know. It IS a Stage.

  I am supposed to be here.

I know I will make it through.

I have ‘Worked Steps’ before.

I would rather do my 4th step again than go through this.

I need a Grief Sponsor.

I need my friends.

I know I can not do this alone.

I do believe that is the first Step…

Your very, very angry friend,

Jen

By the way; this is SO not good for PTSD!

Just an observation…

*This does not last forever …but it is here now*

~ by Step On a Crack on January 28, 2012.

30 Responses to “I Need a Grief Sponsor…”

  1. Ohhh friend..I wish so much to help you but don’t know how….we have a Haus Krai when a loved one dies where eveyone who knew and loved the person get together and we mourn, we cry until we can’t anymore we say everything we need to say..yell, wail..no one judges because everyone understands. Maybe you could try it friend. Just go somewhere and mourn not only for your mom but for all those times you had to be strong when you should have been crying too! Cry for as long and as hard as you need too.

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    • Maiya! Hous Krai! I NEED that!

      We gather, drink, talk politely until we don’t and they it is done. It is CRAZY how we deal with grief in this culture. YOU are helping me. I am going to have a Hous Krai. I am going to stop stifling my wails. I am going to let her rip…

      You are amazing.

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  2. I am so sorry. Period. You are so loved. Period. You are not alone. Period.

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  3. Sending hugs…you are an awesome woman…

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  4. For some, having a grief sponsor could prevent a whole slew of other problems, including alcohol.

    I pray for you for close friends you can trust and lean on.

    Nancy

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  5. You got us baby! You are an awesome, amazing Wise Western Warrior Woman. I’ll be the Wise Warrior Woman of the East. Bless you 1000 times for you know what! I feel stronger and more beautiful for knowing you. What a gift. You have given me life in many ways.

    I wish there was a way to take away your anger and grief. If i had more experience with grief i would be your sponsor. As it is, please feel free to reach out (as i seem to feel to reach out to you) in the moments of despair, or overwhelming non-warrior feelings. I love you! That is cash in the bank!

    Oh, and you are a great sponsor of grief to many, many, many. You are special. xoox mel/warrior/wobbly 😉

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  6. Sending you a big bear hug. Squeeze back as hard as you can because it wont hurt me but it’ll make you feel better. ❤

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  7. It is so different to walk yourself through the steps. Nothing at all like helping others. As you said it so clearly. I love and appreciate your honesty. This is a wonderful post! Harder than step 4? Wow! I get that perspective. As you’ve been told, you are not alone. Not at all and we are willing to walk alongside this pain, sorrow, anger, loss, all of it, with you step by step. I pray that will give you comfort and peace. His grace will see you through. I believe it.

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    • You are right. You always are. I need to put it all in context. It IS easier to help someone I love get through those DARN 5 stages. I also do not have to do this alone. I think my mom’s death brought back all the YUCK of being raised (or sort of ‘raised’) by someone who did not want kids. As a child of alcoholics you blame it on yourself. I think that I am STUCK back there again. Prayer. Quiet.

      Yep. XO Jen

      Like

  8. Maybe lots and lots of great sex would help?

    [Did i get a smile?]

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  9. Hugs to you Jen. I Think that you are doing this whole grief thing your own way and I love that about you. Your strength helps me many ways. Your honesty is touching. You have grief sponsers all around you. I think we may actually be each others grief sponsers.

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  10. Leave it to Al to make a difference! 😉
    Ahem.
    I WAS going to ask something I have thought of so many times and just need to ask it so I can quit thinking of it, already:
    Have you seen or read Sarah Plain and Tall? The movie copies the book very well, in a BBC way, if you know what I mean. It is good. And the sequel is worth the trouble, too, a rarity.
    Anyway, often when I read this site, I think of it and wonder if you’ve seen it.

    Like

  11. Wow-thank you for your honesty. I don’t know about working the steps yet-I’m still in the anger period of the grief steps, in trying to accept that I have to give up alcohol. I grieve, and still use.

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    • I tell you, these stages of grief are KILLING Me! Angry one day, sad the next, denial most of the time. Yikes!
      It is hard to make major change while grieving. AND if you are thinking it is time to quit, then quit while the getting’s good. You are in a tough place. Drinking doesn’t make that place easier; actually it makes it harder. I had to come to that. Each of us in recovery has to find that truth in our own way and in our own time. You will when the time is right; thing is that time won’t feel at all like the Right Time; It will just BE the Right Time.The 12 steps helped me but that was only part of it. I am reading a few books on methods besides the 12 steps that work too. Hang in there. Stop by again OK? Peace, Jen

      Like

  12. Jen, i have never been good at dashing quick notes off to people. I envy people who can and do. I tend to want to give an attentive, thoughtful response which means I need a block of time to think and write. That’s not necessarily bad I realize, but it does mean my replies sometimes arrive long after they were needed.

    When i read this post, it stopped me in my tracks. I read it, and left it to swim around in my head. I came back to it several times and still waited to step into it. So now, I’m here, and you are on down the path.

    Of all the things I’ve thought about, most of them either obvious or already said, the one thing that has stayed with me is…

    …I think the view of the path is very different when we’re the guide and when we’re the hiker. We can kick into caretaking mode when we’re the person “guiding” others along the trail. Maybe we’re more focused out of necessity, because it is ours to do. We are the guide. When we become the hiker it seems like that changes everything. We’re distracted by the changing terrain, the uncertainty of where the trail leads, and the fact that the emotional weather conditions are constantly changing.

    We are often happy to be the guide. Maybe there is a sense of purpose and control that feels secure. Somehow when we’re the hiker we act as though we should walk the trail unaided. A part of learning to care for ourselves is to allow others to walk with, and sometimes guide us. Our refusal to do that leaves us wandering and at risk of getting lost.

    You are an incredibly strong and intuitive woman. You are a caring, resourceful guide. Now you are hiking your own trail and discovering the sensibility, and joy, of asking others to walk with you.

    Traveling mercies! ~ Paulann

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    • Paulann,

      Oh man you have my number:

      ” A part of learning to care for ourselves is to allow others to walk with, and sometimes guide us. Our refusal to do that leaves us wandering and at risk of getting lost.’

      I am back in a 12 step meeting and THIS is one of my core issues. it is easy to help others and you put it SO beautifully! Reaching out, trusting others; not so easy.

      Paulann, you write so beautifully and from the heart and from some deep well of understanding. Thank you So very much for being here.

      I am truly blessed by your presence in my life.

      XO Jen

      Like

      • I’m glad my words can help. There is always the hope that I’ve said something helpful and not hurtful, that they feel like “listening” and not “being told”, and that they don’t ramble on past the point of anyone’s ability to tolerate. 🙂 The blessing of presence comes back to me too. ~ Perseverance,

        Paulann

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      • Paulann YOU are a gifted Listener. I am gifted by your ear and your wisdom. Thank you very much… XO Jen

        Like

  13. […] I have  the Five Stages of Grief, […]

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  14. Like Paulann, I am here and you ALL are down the trail ahead of me. I went back to the first post I missed and am working my way forward. I am consoled by knowing that even if I wasn’t reading, I was praying for you. God knows what you need. Sometimes I like to pretend I could know, too.

    Just re-read what Paulann said. I loved it!

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  15. Dear Angry Friend,
    I don’t really know how to get angry. It was never allowed and then I couldn’t allow it.
    That hasn’t served me particularly well in life. Being angry is so good for your soul.
    I do know how to be sad. I nearly drowned in sorrow and just like a flailing swimmer, others started going under with me because I couldn’t really grieve – I could only be sad.

    After his wife died, C.S. Lewis kept a journal about his grief which he hadn’t intended to ever make public.
    Eventually he agreed and A Grief Observed was published.
    He begins by saying: “No one ever told me grief was so much like fear.”
    Throughout the book, he questioned God, questioned people – He was angry.

    He came out the other side without a prescribed way or place or time to grieve. He fought his way back to his faith.

    I spent days and months walking on the beach in Oregon where you couldn’t hear anything over the roar of the waves – crying until I thought I was responsible for the high tides.
    40 years as a caretaker and I had NOT ONE CLUE about how to take care of myself.
    I love you.
    I pray for you over and over every night.
    I’m one of your grief sponsors. Let it RIP – anytime with me.
    Debbie

    Like

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