I Need Some More Recovery…

As an adult child of alcoholics it is very important that I come out of hiding.

I have been honest and direct about my mother’s dementia.

I have been honest and direct about her death.

I need to face the past, we all do.

 I am doing this in a 12 step environment, AGAIN.

My mother’s death has affected me in ways that were predicted

by my therapist and by hospice.

I thought they were dead wrong.

Silly me.

I have recovery under my belt. I am proud of that.

I need some more.

No shame in that.

I also have the past to contend with;

Grief is knocking down walls I thought were sturdy and safe.

Turns out those walls need to come down.

As an  adult child of alcoholics I need to come out of denial

and talk about what happened.

I do know my own truth

and I know from fellowship in the 12 step programs I have been in

that my story is not  unique.

That is sad; it is heartbreaking.

Isolation doesn’t work. Silence doesn’t work.

Breaking down family secrets

and showing them the light of day does.

There is power in breaking our silence.

If one wall comes down; the others will too.

I know my truth.

This is part of the journey;

my mother’s alcoholism destroyed so much.

My alcoholism did too.

Her story/My story

 They are intimately intermingled.

For one to go, they both must go.

Thanks again for bearing witness.

One day and a time.

One day at a time.

Peace,  Jen

~ by Step On a Crack on February 8, 2012.

18 Responses to “I Need Some More Recovery…”

  1. thanks for sharing. you are doing the work. Om Shantihi

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  2. There is power in break silence and release. One day at a time, one foot after another, one wall at a time. Always here, always reading.

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  3. Sending love and strength. Damn the past: It can bite hard sometimes. oxox mel

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  4. in most of the 12 step plans they talk about a “daily reprieve” based on the condition of the connection with God. I like and hate that idea. It does let me let go of feeling guilty for needing more help, but it needles me that this is a long term process and I wont get done ever. A friend once commented, “You what Bill meant when he said that there is a long period of reconstruction ahead?” “He meant that there was a long period of reconstruction ahead.” The Grace that you have recieved is not recovery, it is not being ok, it is the recognition that there is always work to be done, the motivation to do it, and the tools to do it well.
    Blessings

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    • I hear you Dr. T! The recovery I speak of is that I no longer have any desire to drink or use. THAT is a BIG deal. The rest is the nature of a spiritual journey; it never ends. Never.

      The 12 steps are a blessing in my life and have been for over 20 years. I started in AA and quickly realized, with the help of a gifted sponsor, that I would be better served in alanon. True. My issues stem from early child hood; living with alcoholics tore me apart. (‘being raised by’ I suppose I should say, but that would be in some ways a stretch. I think many adult children of alcoholics find they raised themselves and often their siblings too.) I self medicated and working the steps through alanon and ACA gave me answers I needed.

      I should note again that I WAS forewarned by my therapist and hospice that after your parents are gone, and after an abuser passes, you can feel as though you are back at square one. I get that now; though my new step one does not include any desire to self medicate.

      The 12 steps can be what we make it, just like anything. For me they are a PART of my spiritual journey and one that will never end. I must give credit to my long time therapist, Cathy, and my Ayurvedic doctor, Alakananda Devi, for helping me create the life I have today. If I had only the 12 steps, I do not know that I would have made it here. There are many healing modalities and I have availed myself of many of them. Recovery and My Path has been an amalgam of meditation and other techniques that work for me.

      The steps are a never ending journey to wholeness. I love that. I also love the community. Vital for an Isolator like me!

      Thank you VERY much for being here. I can’t tell you how much you add to my journey as well!

      Peace, Jen

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  5. I love this post-and it makes me frightened too. but above all, it’s an inspiration. thank you.

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    • Oh! I don’t mean to frighten! I have a happy ending let me rephrase that; I have had a LOT of happy endings! This recovery thing is a journey. one step one step one step….

      I am working towards MORE happy endings and at each one is a beginning. Ya just gotta dig that!

      peace, Jen

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  6. Thanks for all your sharing Jen … I too have vascilated over the decades and found myself doing the 12 step environment “again” the problem for me wasn’t coming back the problem was me leaving it in the first place. Now I have accepted for lack of a more apropos term that it is a lifetime attitude change to embrace fully and wholly. Life is better with the 12 step philosophies not just one area but all aspects… I need never leave those philosophies behind in any part of my life …

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    • Dear Adrienne, First I need to thank you for your blog. I love it! Thank you for being here.

      I agree. The steps work so why stop? I get comfortable and complacent and then… the past visits and I am reminded that the steps are a part of MY spiritual journey. They work. Period.

      I am eternally grateful to bill W. for coming up with such a remarkable avenue in which to explore who I am and who I want to be.

      You can’t beat it!

      Thank you very much for being here….

      Peace, Jen

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  7. Really aapreciating your view point. So many of us are affected by addiction in one way or another (or maybe I’m just pessimistic to think that everybody deals with similar problems). And yes, you are unique.

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    • Thank you Very much for being here! This is where the juice is; community and connection. I remember in college finding out that not all people came out of weird violent alcoholic homes. I felt so alien. I have since found that you are right: everyone has their stuff, it just may not look like mine.

      Unique… OK I will take that! You say it like it is a Good thing! I am gonna run with that!

      Thank you very very much! Peace, Jen

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  8. The thing that gets me is that the Steps aren’t just beneficial, they often give me pause and cause to stop and smile out loud…

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  9. “Breaking down family secrets and showing them the light of day.” The concept is simple, living it out seems incredibly hard. Part of the “hard” is that stories are often “intimately intermingled”. One day, one step, one you! 🙂

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  10. […] I need Some More Recovery […]

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