Thank You, Rebecca: ” The Five Stages of Grief”

Rebecca’s blog, Grief: One Woman’s Perspective,

 has been a touchstone for me as I have walked this Grief Path.

Rebecca lost her Son, Jason.

I can not imagine a more devastating pain.
She speaks from her heart about her journey.
I agree with her about the Five Stages of Grief.
It is NOT clear cut.
It is NOT so simple.

It just is not.

Peace, Jen

Grief: One Woman's Perspective

For some reason, there’s something about people constantly quoting the five stages of grief that really irritates me. They are quoted by a counselor-type of people trying to make a meaningful point. They are consistently quoted in books, blogs, and newspaper articles. They are quoted regularly regarding everything from losing a job to moving across the country to lost hopes and dreams to loss of a pet. The “five stages” model/method seems to be one-size-fits-all. It’s become a catch-all tool.

It just bugs me. If I start to read something – obviously written by a person who has not lost a child or a dearly loved one – that quotes the Five Stages of Grief model/method, I have to quit reading the piece and move on to something else. The funny thing is that most people who deeply grieve, particularly bereaved parents, don’t quote the five stages of grief when…

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~ by Step On a Crack on February 24, 2012.

9 Responses to “Thank You, Rebecca: ” The Five Stages of Grief””

  1. Very individual my friend. My stages of grief with Harper include 12 pictures of him on my office walls, two pictures at home, and a big old pic of him on my PC at work. I’m looking at his beautiful soul right now. He is perfect, and I have lost part of me to him. That is all. I feel physical loss. My heart feels nicked! Thank you for reposting, and for your comments.
    I’m glad you are in my heart! xox mel


    • I think of YOU everyday and wonder how the walk with grief is going for you. Harper. Your boy. I am so sorry for your loss.

      I love ‘I have lost part of me to him’

      that is the BEST explanation I have ever read! It is 100% true.

      You are always in my heart my Friend!

      XO Jen


  2. I struggle against easy answers, as well. Life is not easy. One size fits only a few and we are uniquely created! Good post. You guard against untruth and mediocre solutions here. Keep it up!


    • Heidi, Yep. I don’t think there are any easy answers

      (well. Love. that is an easy answer….)

      I can not fathom losing a child. I have my grief and it is hard; Rebecca’s grief is unfathomable to me.

      Side note: don’t you just somedays WANT mediocre easy solutions?


  3. I’m with you Jen. I’ve never accepted the “pat” answers even when there may be truth in them. And I fear I’ll regurgitate the same words to others. Life is personal. DUH! In other words, like Heidi said, one size doesn’t fit all. Keep blazing the way with your honesty.


    • You know, until I read Rebecca’s post today, I was hanging onto the idea that I would just wander through the Five Stages and be done with it! Crazy nutty me.

      The Stages may be a template BUT each journey is different; each death is different…

      I love that about this community: so much to share, so much to learn…

      Have a GREAT weekend and Take Care OK?



  4. Constantly. I just reminded myself during a conversation with a struggler that we can crash and burn and deal with life in past methods, or live by the program. Easy for me would mean I can always go back to the ‘easier’ answers which really are no answer at all…and numb, zone out…avoid or we can figure out what step addresses the issue. Of course, neither way is really easy. One works. One doesn’t, regardless of what people try to get us to think.

    I wish for easy when I’m too tired, especially.


    • YES! I wish for easy too when I am wrung out. That is why the steps work. The program works because it is a built in support system.

      I often wonder how much ‘pain’ I would be in if I just ‘let things be’ and ignored all the junk. My 4th step taught me alot about where ignoring stuff will get me: nowhere. Or really ‘ in big honking trouble’

      you are right: neither is easy. difference is: one will Kill me.


  5. Thanks for reposting Rebecca’s thoughts. This is a conversation that needs to be ongoing. Unfortunately we all are at risk of hearing the “seed” words from another’s experience or observations to be the whole plant. That increases the possibility of getting stuck in the expectation, or argument against our experience matching that particular set of words. It seems like the language and the meaning changes with the person, the experience, and the territory.

    Don’t we wish there were 5 clear, if not easy steps. Some part of us knows it is both a personal and a shared process. It doesn’t get any messier than that. Winston Churchill is quoted as having said, “When you find yourself in hell, keep going.” May we all find the courage to keep going.


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