I Hate Death; I Really, Really Do

It is hard.

Someone dies and you are left with grief

and regret

and anger

and wonder

and sometimes;

guilt.

You are also left with paperwork;

an

awful

lot

of

paperwork.

It has been months now since Mommy died.

Months.

I still have a hard time going into a Costco

or a Target  without feeling hollow inside.

Mommy loved to shop.

I still have a hard time seeing stuffed animals on sale.

Mommy loved stuffed animals.

And then there is

all

the

paperwork.

I need to prove she is

indeed,

dead.

I need to have paperwork:

filled out,

notarized,

copied,

mailed; certified.

I need to include her Death Certificate

with

every

single

Fucking

form.

I don’t need to prove that Mommy is dead.

All I need to do is wander into Target

forget that the Easter Bunny is soon to arrive;

to feel Hollow inside.

All I need to do is lay my head down at night,

that last moment before I turn off the light,

to prove she is dead.

My tears

and the Hollow Heart

Prove that she is gone.

I hate Death.

I really, really do.

and

I do believe…

I miss my mother.

Who knew?

Peace,  Jen

~ by Step On a Crack on March 5, 2012.

28 Responses to “I Hate Death; I Really, Really Do”

  1. So very heartfelt ans sentimental…. Great post!

    Like

  2. Oh, Jen,
    It hurts to miss her, but it is a good thing–it proves you are healing.
    But wish I could do something to assuage the hurt. The best I know is just to breathe–in with the living air and out with the hurt. But it only helps a little.

    Have you ever read Donne’s poem “Death, Be Not Proud”? I sure like his work. He knew something I cannot put my finger on, but it’s there, alright.

    Like

    • Kathy,

      As usual, you are here with wisdom and helpful words! I had forgotten to Breathe. THAT is an important part of releasing this..

      I did read Donne just now: (I love poets.org)

      “One short sleep past, we wake eternally,
      And death shall be no more; Death, thou shalt die.”

      Amen…

      Thank you for being in my life and for sharing your heart.

      XO Jen

      Like

  3. I know, the guilt, regret, anger, even if you think you did all you could and should have done, when you cannot think of something that you would have done in another way, it is there. Horrible.
    Love
    Steph

    Like

    • Dear Steph,

      YES! Exactly.. What is done is done.

      I think Kathy’s advice to breathe in and out is the best solution. Just get through it. ehh?

      Love, Jen

      THANK YOU for being here AND for your blog….

      Like

  4. Jen, such tender words here from a heart made tender by pain and loss. Loss that started long before your mother died. It’s so good you would share so much of those private, personal hurts and struggles with us. I do believe doing so has its own way of helping the process. Know you are loved by One whose love has no bounds!
    XO

    Like

    • Debby,

      Thank you for pointing out the up side to this: the creation or validation of a tender heart… Being here has helped me open up so much. I will not end up with a delayed grief ever again! Thank you for being here and in my heart…

      I am holding you close now. I hope all is well.

      XO Jen

      Like

  5. I bet your mom would have loved the bunny :-). Cute animal. Sweetie, you’ve had way too much death in your family. This one’s a biggie. Thanks for sharing this information. It will be useful to all of us as we watch our own parents move along in their lives (on a pragmatic note).

    I have a room set up for you in my heart now. You can keep the lounge chair as well: Decorate as you wish. Jump around now and again, make sure the old ticker keeps kickin’ it! Love you, Mel

    Like

    • Mommy DID love the bunny! The Velveteen Bunny was her favorite book. She had SO many of these bunnies. I was going to use a photo I took of all her velveteen bunnies but just could not bring myself to do it. too sad

      I am in your cozy room most of the time now my dear friend!

      Love, Jen

      Like

  6. I am so sorry for the big cloud of death that hangs over your heart. I want to help, like all the others. I do. I can’t. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what else to say, so I’m getting offline now and I’m going to pray for you and your family.

    Like

  7. ❤ ❤ Hugs ❤ ❤

    Like

  8. […] I Hate Death; I Really, Really Do (step-on-a-crack.com) Share this:TwitterFacebookEmailPrintMoreStumbleUponLike this:LikeOne blogger likes this post. […]

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  9. It doesn’t seem like it will ever get “easier” grief but I guess we
    learn just to live with grief. It is the new you,
    Sending you hugs….

    Judy

    Like

  10. A loved one passed away, I remember thinking its over after the burial but it isn’t..it pops up when the things you did to together you now do alone, in the routine long estabilished now fallen apart, it’s in the thoughts that are on rewind over and over again in your head. Did I? I should have? Why didn’t I? ohhh they would have liked that. I also remember expecting the person to walk through the door at the time he should have after school. My heart is with you my friend. This is a heartwrenching post. I will send up prayers for you. Thank you for allowing us to walk this journey with you.

    Like

    • Dear Maiya,

      Thank you for being here and thank you for understanding. I DID have my Haus Krai and it seems I am due another.

      I think you are right; It just will keep popping up. The Haus Krai did help. I will keep that in my bag of tricks and I will make it thorough this thing. Thank you for sharing your heart…

      XO Jen

      Like

  11. Own the grief, but then prove to the World that you’re Alive.

    Like

  12. Strong gripping poem, thanks.

    Like

  13. From death & sorrow comes love & friendship
    From pain & suffering comes acceptance & strength
    Memories of old will ignite & refresh
    And where sympathy once lay encouragement grows

    You writing & expression awakens ones soul, my lovely friend.

    Hugs xox

    Like

  14. Oh Wow, did this grab my heart, or what?!!! (Not necessarily about my mom–but maybe…)

    Like

    • OH! I feel sad to have your heart grabbed! I think in our culture we don’t think too much on the loss of someone. Maiya, an amazing poet in Papua New Guinea, Words From My Soul, commented early in my grieving process that in her culture they have a Haus Krai when someone dies: everyone just loses it and cries and cries and cries. I wish we had that ritual! I think we need it….

      XO Jen

      Like

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