Without her on this Earth * and * “Why I forgive Mom” by Mel

Today is my mother’s birthday. She is gone; dead. This is her first birthday without her on this Earth.

I was not aware of the day until I was. Blindsided. These anniversaries do that to you: the birthdays come and go,

the holidays haunt. The anniversaries of the deaths….

the deaths linger and remind us

       time is fleeting and They are Gone.

Gone.

I am finding forgiveness, once found, slipping through my fingers. I am finding it harder to Love her still.

My mother was an alcoholic. My mother died of Wernicke – Korsakoff; alcoholics dementia. Alcoholism and drug addiction has torn my family asunder.

I am angry. I am tired of being angry.

And in pieces, I am Healing. Can it be I am healing for her too? I can feel that from time to time; a larger wound is closing as the smaller ones come to the fore. Many wounds are deep; bone deep and deeper than that still.

I am remembering that my mother was loved deeply by a mother she lost too young. Her black curls in yellowing envelopes, my grandmothers handwriting curling the edges. My mother had her sorrow. She carried it until the day she died. I can step into her past and see the little girl with too much pain to make it forward.  I can see myself, a little girl with my own pain.  Will I carry it today or  let it rest? When will I let it go for good?

My friend Mel  at I Am Not She has written beautifully about Forgiveness.

Mel, you have once again, given me what I needed without even knowing it.

Thank you Mel for your Heart.

I will continue working backwards to the days of Forgiveness.

I will continue to walk the path towards resolution.

I will hold to my center and be grateful for Love and for Life and Connection.

Peace, only not so much,

Jen

Related Posts:

A Curl So Black and Soft

100 Fucking Percent Forgiveness

We Travel Far and We Survive

Stronger at the Broken Places?

**********************

Why I forgive Mom

12ThursdayApr 2012

Posted by  in


 

I have not turned hypocritical. Hell no!

Something has turned inside ~ something that has been turning for a long time: Years of talk, years of thought, years of self-examination…

~coming with a LOT of preparation.

Limbs/enclosures and Growth/by Mel

Friends, I hope you don’t hate me because I forgive my mom for being a shit! I’m not crazy (beyond the usual). I’m grieving. Some days I will hate her for being cruel and unusual.

Most days I grieve because she’s dead.

Some days I remember moments of kindness. Most days I feel  forgiveness because of a deep understanding of the Human Condition. We’re all subject to being shitty and we’re all capable of good.

Speaking for me, ONLY:

THIS is what MY anger and inability to forgive Mom would say about me, To Me:

~ SHE was right! I AM and WAS a failure.

~I DESERVED to be treated like shit!

~I WAS the problem not her!

INSTEAD~

I say BULLSHIT to that.

I say, I AM AWESOME~

I’ve grown into a kind and compassionate HUMAN.

~ SHE was the fucked up one, and for that I have to say,“I forgive you for being so wrong about me and how awesome I am today, and how awesome I was yesteryear … Mommy, you fucked up as a mom (you didn’t sign up for it voluntarily and you’re in good company) and God will take care of you and I will let go of you” … I hope your wounds heal. If we meet again, maybe “things” will be different … but that, I don’t know, and I don’t spend much time thinking about something so fantastical …

I hope I will keep the focus on charity on your behalf. I hope. I pray that I do my best to keep the evil out of my mind and soul ~That anger and evil that tore me apart.

I’m putting my pieces back together … I am not ripping my heart out again, never again: Not for Anyone.

Mom I forgive you for being so self-obsessed you couldn’t see what a fucking precious gem I WAS and AM.

Mom was flawed, (aren’t we all?). As a child, I was not a Flaw. I earned my flaws from flawed information, yes, from mom, and yes from idiot high school boys … from a lot of flawed humans.

No excuses for Mom: She was part of the foundation that made me ill-prepared for the world … so I Boohoo, and I shame on you! Done.

God will forgive her because she’s been begging for forgiveness forever and forevermore.

You begged me, and I couldn’t reconcile it … I am not God.

I  forgive her because God gave ME a boost, not her. Never her. She is gone … and now: Who am I? I AM NOT SHE, and SHE IS NOT ME, for fucking sure.

I’m on a different path now, without her, but with her voice. The voice I will not listen to anymore. I won’t. I don’t. Her voice, not mine. My choice.

I was asked by a counselor to sum-up my mom in two sentences: I couldn’t think of anything. I looked at the floor and mumbled a few things about dogs and volunteer jobs …

I don’t think of her as anything better or worse than she was. I have laid her to rest and still can’t DEFINE her. I don’t know her. That was her fault, not mine. I tried to “know her” as a child (oh yea) and later in life: she wouldn’t cough it up. Her loss, not mine. What a shame. Spilt milk.

Many people don’t forgive their mums (I had to, for My sanity). However, no one should have to forgive their mom. I believe that with all my heart. For many, forgiveness is not possible. I get it. I get it TIMES infinity. It’s not deserved: Sometimes the magnitude of  abuse is so inconceivable, forgiveness is a fleeting fairytale, and a torturous task. Release would truly be a gift from God.

HP, I thank you for those people who CREATED their awesome self DESPITE their mothers. YOU ARE AWESOME SELF-CREATORS! You did it on your own. We all “do it” in our own way, yea? Duh!

***

At mom’s funeral, my father’s pastor said to me, “Mothers and Daughters are supposed to be at odds, that is natural. If they are too close, then there’s something to worry about” … (AT ODDS? TOO CLOSE?) I blubbered like a moron. D thought my talk with Father P was inappropriate. Bullshit. More blubbering …

Even Pastors are entitled to their hypocrisy and idiotic statements Their job is not to gossip or tell tales out of school anyway. They don’t get paid for good advice. None taken!

And so, today, I can be two years old and say, “YOU STARTED IT”. But I am 51 and I’m ending it.

I’m not saying she is exonerated, or that I condone how much she made me hate myself. Do you know how much I hated myself? Deeply, without questioning the source(s)?: Not any more.

She sucked the emotional life out of me and for that reason I lost years of life to addictions and self hate. BUT, I recovered by PUMPING life back into myself with the help of MANY.

So who am I today? Mel (in all her forms). Who gets the credit? HP, You, Don, all my friends, shrinks, meds. OK, that’s a lot. But that did the trick and I’m hell bent on making MY LIFE worth a shit.

I am Grand, yes I am: Regardless of what was done to me, and by whom, (or is it who)?

Mom, you can rest in peace. You are in the bed you made. And your journey is your own. Your God would not forsake you (at least He shouldn’t … you spent a lot of time talking to Him; entertaining him … and i know you weren’t talking to us) …

With Love and Lessons Learned,

MEL

~ by Step On a Crack on April 14, 2012.

13 Responses to “Without her on this Earth * and * “Why I forgive Mom” by Mel”

  1. It is the mark of an open heart, one that yearns for healing, wholeness, unity, that it can hold several different feelings at once, even when they seem to conflict. To resent her, to grieve for her, to forgive her — it means you have a wide-open capacity for love, joy, divinity that you can feel all of them, & more.

    Like

    • Hello there You

      You are right. We do need to hold all of this at once. We can try to do this with grace. That is being Human. Thank you for the reminder. Life is not always this tidy little package. OR IT IS Tidy just the way it is…..

      Like

      • Oh I know — there are not very many tidy little parcels in my world ……….. more like the wrappings all over the floor, haha

        Like

  2. Whew. This was a big deal! Great post. Glad to hear you’re healing. Too much energy wasted otherwise but nothing happens until it’s time. More power to you.

    Like

  3. you and Mel are both amazing! forgivness i believe is a process, but i am sure it will be worth it when we get there!

    Like

  4. Would you believe we have lived this long? With out backgrounds? Would you believe we have lived to see OUR mothers die. I did not think it would happen this way … and for that ~

    All I know is that we possess something “fantastical” yea? I love you! …Still in Iowa with my man. Dad is doing well … he loves D. For that i am forever grateful.

    MUCH to catch up on. Be well, my friend, XO MEL

    Like

    • Dear Marvelous Mel,

      hoo mama. You are so right. I did NOT think I would still be kicking it at 50, I thought making it to 25 was a huge deal.

      and here WE are. THAT is a blessing from Harper and a Gift beyond reckoning.

      I love you my friend. You inspire me. You always have.

      Love Jen

      Like

  5. I can see myself, a little girl with my own pain. Will I carry it today or let it rest? When will I let it go for good?

    I am glad you are able to see through the pain enough to find the questions. Some cannot. You do. By referencing the little girl, I can tell that you are trying to be tender and patient with yourself. That’s so amazing…you have been wounded and you are not brittle or unfeeling…wow. God is good.

    Like

    • Dear Heidi!

      Hey there! You know, I mean YOU know that without the program, without my God, without my friends I would not be here doing this.

      God is indeed good.
      Amen to that Sister!

      XO Jen

      Like

  6. This is great. You are you…and so deserved of the valuable lifetime of love and trust from not only yourself but from others. The loss was your mother’s and you’ve gained so much from your inner strength. A year since your mom’s death doesn’t change your lifetime of misery…but you are making the wisest of choices now and sharing your experiences with others. Enjoyed reading, but saddened by your pain.

    Like

    • oh boy.

      You really brought me to tears with this one “the loss was your mother’s”. My dad said that in the years before he died when he began to SEE her a bit more clearly.

      I know you will get this: you suffer abuse, as a child or as a nurse in a hospital, and it is there. You can not just forget it. You carry it and must learn to live with it. YOU are helping by sharing your story. We all need to tell our stories; there is healing here…

      Thank you very much for being here. Peace, Jen

      Like

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