Would I Be Dead?


Converse, the Creek and the day before High School starts....

I am making my way back. Soon.

I am using these last days of Summer

to good advantage.

Converse, the Creek and my Kid.

Life is good.

and I

am not dead.


I just wanted to touch on something spurred by a post by a fellow blogger that I adore.

He is wondering just how many people in meetings really are there to LIVE?

How many would be dead without a program?

A lot I think.

A lot.

Tomorrow is my sons first day of high school and my niece’s 3rd birthday.

We as a family are looking forward to the birth of a baby boy this week.

My family went tubing today on the Boulder Creek.

I could not help but notice the sky

and the water and the smell of the inner tube.

I watched my son take a rapid and the water spin him round

his smile lighting up all that surrounded him.

My mother was not there.

The bottle took her

My father was not there.

Smoking took him

and truth be told,

If my mother had not been living with alcoholics dementia

she would have known to call 911.

One call to 911 and Daddy just might have been there

to see my sons smile light the sky;

to see one niece turn 3

and to see the birth of another nephew.

Alcohol Kills.


And I am pissed.



 I know LOTS of people who are living in Hell in sobriety but they are living. I mean it. Not dying is a great reason to quit any addiction. period. Lots of my friends need to NOT USE. If they use they will die. Being sober doesn’t mean they are happy it just means they wake up every morning. Lots of these friends are working some serious ass programs too. working your program does not guarantee happiness; what ever that is.

can I say with 100% surety that I would be dead now (or sooner than later) if I was using? no. Gotta say though that based on my family experience and watching junkie and drunk friends die sure has me hedging my bets: I am better off clean. Period. Am I happier? I often question this and that is EXACTLY when I get to a meeting. Was I happier using? probably in some twisted reality. Sure I was. I am glad I am clean? yes. Do I really jones for a Bump every week or so (ok fess up: EVERY FUCKING DAY)? Yes, I do.

This whole sobriety = happiness thing is Illusion. Happiness comes from inner peace or Bus # 59 or some great bit of sunlight falling just so after great sex…. Sober or not those moments come and go.

some people quit to LIVE some people quit to live better. all comes to the same thing seems to me. I think this boils down to “whatever that means to you…”

not mine to judge why someone quits. not mine to judge anyone concept of happiness. Only mine to Show Up and Live.

again I can count my dead. I count them daily. Dead from alcohol mostly but also Heroin and other drugs; nicotine and tobacco too.

I am counting my dead today as a matter of fact.

Fuck em for not getting sober before the bottle took them. A friend is lying in ICU right now not a mile away; his 6th (maybe more) time in ICU in the last 2 months. He is dying and the bottle is the reason. How many fucking times do I need to go say “you can make it…” when I KNOW he won’t without a program. I am not making the trip this time.

I am waiting for the fucking call, “He just passed.”

believe me you: that call is coming.

I got dead to count. Fuck happiness.

Heres to life.

just breathing into another day.

Peace, Jen


~ by Step On a Crack on August 12, 2012.

12 Responses to “Would I Be Dead?”

  1. Thank you for this Jen. And Al, if you’re out there …I am not yelling at “you” re: part #3 of your last post. OK? I am yelling at life. I am mad because i must be doing something wrong. I’m still mad because maybe my butt didn’t hit the bottom hard enough?

    I HAVE to tell myself, i am doing the best i can, but i am not where i’d like to be. There are bumps in the road that i can’t maneuver the “right” way.

    Jen, I’m sort of scared. Period. Yes, I am. Love Mel


    • I’m replying to myself. I’m not scared. I’m just fucking living life. I have to be straight … i have to be, or i’m dead. Oh, i could probably EXTEND a life in bulimia, and i could probably live in and out of rehabs, BUT i’d rather be sober.

      I’d rather take life on life’s terms. If i’m not doing it right … that’s my right. I have GOT to give myself permission to live free or DIE. Live according to what i consider “free”, or i will surely die.

      I cannot follow the crowd. I cannot be told what to do.

      I do have good days, and i have bad days. I ask friends, I ask Harper what they would do, what HE would do … and that usually works.

      JEN, will you wave your magic wand over my head? Just sayin! A little angel dust might be the right hit! Love mel


      • My Dear Mel,

        No magic wand BUT Love for you! I think we should all be scared, or maybe it is just AWARE. I am sort of scared too. AND I know I have friends who weather storms (!! XO) and my Faith. I am scared, angry worried AND I am clean and alive and healthy.

        We count our blessings I think when FEAR takes over.

        I adore you!!!



  2. Hellooooooo. I responded on the other blog in a comment, so you can check that out. Basically, it said that I think you are correct, while at the same time acknowledging there are many good reasons to stay sober.

    The disease, addiction, kills, eventually, to all. Period. Just because some are farther away from feeling the cold fingers of death because of this disease does not mean that it is not statistically true that the disease kills. So yeah, “hear, hear” to what you wrote here. 🙂

    Also, now that kid is in school, we need to connect for coffee. Tea. Whatever. Not booze, lol. 😉 Mine starts in 2 weeks, but he would be more than happy to have me out of his hair for a couple of hours. He’s at that age. OMG, was *I* as know-it-all as my 16-year-old?!?


    He’s got the Y-chromosome thing going on though where not only does he know it all because he is 16, but also because he has a Y-chromosome. Grrrrrrr. I need some Goddess Energy to kick his ass on that side of it, lol.

    Hi to Mel up there!!

    I think I need to go and write a post now…



    • Welcome IN SO MANY WAYS!!!

      this gets me:

      “Just because some are farther away from feeling the cold fingers of death because of this disease does not mean that it is not statistically true that the disease kills.”

      I think you sum it up my friend!

      The Kid is at school! I am parked far far away in suburbia where the school is. Yuck. This will take some getting used to for me.

      You and me: tea coffee conversation SOON! I need to figure out the schedule and we will get to HUG!

      XO Jen

      MEL, come visit us!!


  3. yes, yes and yes. I am an addict and I am in some kind of recovery. the longer I am in, the less I know about anything except that I don’t have to use today. and that means I get to live for another one.

    great post, Jen. thx


    • Louise!

      DITTO THAT! Early in my years of sobriety and clean living I thought I had the bull by the horns. NOPE. It really is day by day moment by moment.

      Thank you my Friend for stopping by! I will be BACK so soon!

      XO Jen


  4. hello dear Jen! i appreciate this post because sobriety=happiness is kinda fucked in my opinion as well. Going to meetings, or whatever, is doing the best I can to remain sober, but of course i think i’d be much happier if I could just drink “normally’. Counting the dead sucks-those left behind suffer. aughhh. But here I am, happy to know you, and happy to be read your post. Well happy maybe isn’t the right word, but I bet you know what I mean! You are so wise. Thank you.


    • Hello YOU!

      I totally know what you mean; not happy but there it is: some of us count our dead and most of us here are waking up to breathe through another day, happy or not. Waking up ROCKS!

      I will be BACK BACK soon! I have missed being here with all of you

      SO good to ‘see’ you!

      XO Jen


  5. I couldn’t read all the great comments because they are too small for me these days. However, You raise a GOOD point. Push it.


  6. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common form of dementia, accounting for two-thirds of all diagnosed cases. If your dementia symptoms are the result of Alzheimer’s disease, medications can delay the onset of more debilitating symptoms. Early diagnosis can prolong independence and is the first step towards treatment, management, and living life fully.


    • Thank you for this information! There are amazing drugs that work wonders with Alzheimer’s. They can be a god send certainly. With Wernicke Korsakoff it is tricky. The patient MUST quit drinking before anything can be done and the dementia needs to be caught in the early stages. There are studies that show large doses of Thiamine can help stall the spread of alcoholics dementia if the patient is sober for good. I wish my mother had chosen that path!

      Thank you very much for stopping by!

      Peace, Jen


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: