I Fear Change. I do. I Welcome Change. I do.

I am home alone tonight. My son is at his first high school football game.

My husband on a flight, returning home to us this evening.

Life has been upended.

High School has begun…

I was cleaning today, catching up on the household duties

that have fallen by the wayside with a son in high school and a job hunt on the horizon.

I was cleaning all of our junk:

the weird old TV tubes, the selenite crystals, my collection of Hands

and Saints and the Books and….

I was dusting the  Hour Glass

when I saw the TV tube given to us by Aunt Deb and Ace so many years ago,

and the weird science thing that spins when the candles are lit

and the gong that Grandma Julie sent and above me was the print from Uncle Ralph

and the wire strung from one end of the room to the other……

The wire strung to hold the disco ball

which spun and spun and sent light down upon my son and his friends

as they danced the night they graduated from middle school.

The wire is strung and the disco ball on loan from my

lovely Dancing Queen friend, Marea.

I held the  hour-glass  and remembered the light from the disco ball bouncing off my friends and I

as we took over the dance floor and our bodies moved to our music

and we laughed and loved one another and our kids

and our Great Good Fortune to have found one another.

I turned the hour-glass over and began to dust the other side

as the sand moved from one thin glass globe

 to the other.

Time.

Time is passing, things are changing, the light of day growing dim.

I have a wire strung from end to end.

I have memories of the kids dancing

I have memories of my friends and I dancing

as the light from the spinning disco ball on loan

showered us all with light

and our trusted DJ, Steve, knew EXACTLY what to play.

“Sand is like time through the hour-glass”

Time is slipping away.

My son is slipping away

and all is as it should be.

The wire will stay

from one

end

to

the

other

and in just the right light,

I can see my son and his friends on the last night of middle school,

on the edge of their woman-hood,

on the edge of their man-hood

dancing.

In just the right light,

I can see my friends and I can feel that music

move us as we gathered to move our children

to the edge of their futures.

As we moved together to the edge of our futures.

I have dusted the Hour Glass, and that saints, and the gong and the TV tubes.

The wire will remain.

We have more yet to celebrate,

more welcoming of futures to come.

Life goes on and memory lingers.

Thank God for that.

Thank God for that.

Peace,  Jen

I fear change. I do.

I welcome change. I do.

Adult children of alcoholics have some common traits one of which is:

“ Adult children of alcoholics overreact to changes over which they have no control.”

Thank you  to The LIST ACA Group, an amazing resource for Adult Children of Alcoholics.

~ by Step On a Crack on September 7, 2012.

13 Responses to “I Fear Change. I do. I Welcome Change. I do.”

  1. I love your posts, lovely lady. I am on the far end of this cycle of yours. My granddaughter, who’s 5, actually called me by herself yesterday. She was so proud of herself. it was delightful. and she starts kindergarten on MOnday – life is changing again..

    Like

    • Louise! I just re-blogged on of your LOVELY posts! OH! The cycle continues then! I love that and of course, I feat that, but then you know all about that stuff. I have gotten SO much out of your writing my Friend…

      What a HOOT to get a call from the child of your child! Congratulations. I can only imagine what that must feel like. one day maybe…

      XO Jen

      Like

  2. I wonder if that is where I get my uneasyness with change. I am an ACOA. I too am staggered by how much changes and how time passes by. I have two graduated from high school now. Hard to believe. I related to much of your post.

    Ciao.

    Chaz

    Like

    • Hello there Chaz!

      Louise Behiel has written a whole series of posts about the characteristics of ACOA. I had a therapist help me identify my weird reactions to change. It is most surely a part of our childhoods. ACOA’s grew up in some chaos and consequently we hunger for predictability. I have been and am still a recovering “control woman” because of my need or desire to have things happen in a way that makes sense to me.

      TWO teenagers! You are blessed and ANY and ALL advice on how to survive the teen years is MUCH appreciated. I sit still and watch and listen and Prayer seems to be my only hope of making it through this time. I am going to have to Turn this one over….

      Peace, Jen

      Like

      • Thanks Jen… I’ve looked up Louise Behiel’s blog and look forward to reading more. ACOA theory certainly describes much of who I am.

        I had also found lots of insights at another wordpress blooger, Donna’s site, acoarcovery.wordpress.com She gets right into the inner child descriptors which I had previously thought of as a bunch of pop psych babble bs but found they really form meaningful and helpful analogies of how we have been affected by our early experiences.

        See ya on the blogs! Chaz

        Like

  3. Change can often be a difficult thing to accept – but we all need it in our lives to prevent spiritual stagnation. And a good bop on the dancefloor is never wrong!

    Like

    • Hello there !

      YES! I love the way you look at it. Without change there is no growth. AND growing up with eccentric alcoholics DOES inform my reactions to change. I have a deep desire for dependability that grew out of a childhood of chaos. Now, that childhood was also filled with deep moments of the presence of my God and deepened and informed my faith: I made it out. My God did that.

      My God and Dancing…. keeps me sane! or as sane as I am anyway… : )

      Thank you very much for your words of wisdom and thank you for being here..

      Peace, Jen

      Like

  4. I like what gingerfightback said.
    Because I really don’t do well with stagnation of any kind.
    Change? It’s live.

    Like

    • Hey YOU!

      Good point! It is weird now that you mention it, I tend to thrive in chaos but crave stagnation. Does that make ANY sense? Until the house I live in now, I never lived in one place for more than 5 years. When the 5 year mark was closing in here I started looking for a new house. I WANTED NEEDED to move. I wanted the change the chaos of boxes and change. I am now here over 13 years; I still can feel the odd tug of Chaos: move move move. My Kid was at the same school for 9 years. MAN that was another weird thing.

      Change: it is alive. me? I live in Fear. damn…

      SO glad to ‘see’ you!!!

      XO Jen

      Like

  5. Beautiful poem! Induces such bittersweet emotions. This needs to be published!

    Like

  6. Lots of changes once your child starts high school. Enjoy every moment for the time will go quickly and they will be leaving the nest…..

    Like

  7. Oh, it’s so good to be here and read your poetic musings again! We were in Alaska thinking of his first days of school, praying for you and for him and for the changes even as you were writing this. Connected again feels good. Thank you for blogging. I love reading what you’re thinking.

    Like

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