I Am Holding To the Old Ways in Our Family


Lent is at the end for this year.

I spent it Not Thinking about my mother.

In the Buddhist sense.

I sat with my mother in my mind and in my heart.

I watched my life during these days past with my mother near by.

I played countless games of solitaire.

I sat in silence and I stayed up late.

I watched the birds in the yard and I pet my cat.

I watched my life and in many ways I saw my mother’s life.

This is complicated.

I understand my mother better now than I did

40 some days ago.

I understand myself and my life better than I did 40 some days ago

and as always happens,

I understand my relationship with my God better than I did 40 some days ago.

I made my grandfathers potato salad. It is in the picnic basket ready to go.

A picnic with my family on this beautiful Easter day.

I am wearing my Four Way cross. I thought about wearing my great grandmothers cross,

the one that traveled from Brighton, England

the one my mother gave to me.

I am the only one Holding To the Old Ways in our family.

Those of you who are pagan will read this as holding to the Goddess Path

and I do.

I mean;

I am Catholic. I am Holding to the The Old Ways of my ancestors. The men and women who hid in basements for mass in secret. The men and women who stayed the course in England when you could be executed for swearing allegiance to the Catholic Church. I am Holding to the Old Way and I am Holding In Hope.

I was going to wear my Great Grandmothers cross today.

So much has been lost. My mother and her mother before her and some connection that was never born between my mother and I at birth or during life.

I do not want to lose what little remains, not the cross or the Missals or the Novena beads.

I do not want to lose what small opening of understanding I have some 40 days out.

My Mother. Complicated.

Me. Complicated.

There is more that I have to learn about my mother and about me and about the lack of connection. There is so much more that can be lost and so much more that can be gained.

Over these last 40 some days I learned that I am not willing to lose anything more.

Over these last 40 some day I learned that I am ready to walk into the fire and come out the other side scars and all. I know that I can heal. My mother taught me that and I have the broken ribs to prove it. No matter what; healing lies on the other side.

I also learned in the last 40 some days that I can kick some serious solitaire ass

and that the night has more to offer me than the day.

My mother? Complicated.

Me? Complicated.

Peace to you on this day of renewal and rebirth.

Happy Easter.

Happy Equinox.

Happy Ostara.

Happy all of it the good, the bad, and the stuff in between.



~ by Step On a Crack on March 31, 2013.

5 Responses to “I Am Holding To the Old Ways in Our Family”

  1. Happy for you Jen

    Hopefully it gets better and better,

    I wish and pray,


  2. Praying for you, Friend.

    On 3/31/13, Step On A Crack…Or Break Your Mother’s Back


  3. Sounds peaceful, and by that i mean full of peace. Happy Happy to you, my friend.


  4. Exceptional! Oh my Jen. I feel like I’ve crawled under your skin when I read what you write about your mom, your connection (and lack thereof) with your mom.

    The fighting; the getting burned; the coming out the other side with Hope and Faith and determination. These are our strengths! We know the “hard way” mostly.

    I’m so happy to read about a beautiful day with your family. Just a beautiful day; no “the hard way”. Just love this!!!

    Your sister by another mother (who you will NOT lose) xxxxooooo Mel


  5. I love the refrain on being complicated. We all are – it’s the embracing of it that proves difficult to execute. Thanks for continuing to share your journey. I hope we hear more about your insights from the last 40 days, even if still imperfect. Keep writing and sharing!



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